Hi folks,

Here's a not-so little quandary for you all...I'm a 31 year old Christian lesbian, and very happy with almost every aspect of my life. Largely through the help of this website I came to terms with being gay several years ago; I also met my partner through these boards, and we celebrate our 4th anniversary next January. I'm out to my friends and out at work, and have received nothing but warm acceptance. So far, so good...except that I haven't told my parents yet and the guilt is eating me alive. Until quite recently I'd always thought I was doing the kind thing in not telling them. I'm an only child and my parents are now approaching their seventies. Neither have good health, both are already upset enough that I work and live away from home (and only see them about 4 times a year, when i come home for about a week at a time), and both have a fairly fixed view of what Christianity is- and it doesn't include homosexuality. In fact, on my last visit home I returned to find that my dad had left me a load of anti-gay 'Christian' literature in my room, I think assuming I'd agree with the content. I'm reluctant to tell them as I'm really not sure if they'd have the time left or even the will to completely re-think their views of Christianity and their only child. But, I really hate the fact that I have to hide so much of my life from them, and no matter how I dress it up I feel that I am being dishonest to them. And as I read somewhere- perhaps even on this site- by coming out I do risk losing them, but by not coming out I definitely will lose them. It's already clear that my relationship with them has become more distant over the past few years, in large part because I just can't tell them so many things. And of course there's always the possibility that they might find out anyhow...In short, I'm at a complete loss for what to do for the best. Any bright ideas or observations from any of your wonderful folks would be much appreciated!

many thanks

Kathy

I'll leave the hard answers to those who have really "been there, done that." But I would say if your parents are leaving anti-Gay Christian literature in your room & if that's the ONLY issue in the literature that was addressed.....sounds like they already know. I think for many parents in that age range, they prefer to just not think or talk about "the elephant in the room." If you live far away and don't see them often, maybe making an effort to connect more, whether via e-mail/mail/phone might make the distance you're feeling shrink a bit...You can talk about your job, hobbies, lots of things in your life that have nothing to do with your sexuality. It's hard to give blanket advice without knowing the personalities involved. But GOD knows those involved, so take it to Him in prayer & wait for an answer. JMHO. Will keep you in prayer!

Kathyf,
What do you parents think about your partner? Do they like her? Do they include her?

You are younger than I was when I met my partner and my parents weren't/aren't verbal about there beliefs and homosexuality. So, you have to take what I am saying with a few grains of salt.

I tend to agree with Doc, that sometimes parents don't want to see the elephant in the house. Also, if you come out to your parents, they have to deal with their beliefs that homosexuality is wrong and that can be difficult. I am not out to my immediate family. One cousin knows and that is all. I believe my step mom and sister in law might suspect and I think my mom knew before she died. I struggled with that too. Should I tell her before she died. My question was "what difference would it make?" The males in my family are oblivious. But, I have included my partner in family reunions, signing cards to my family, and in purchasing gifts. We simply live by the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Does your family include your partner? If not, you start including her. Gradually, they will see that you are happy and that is what most parents want.

Feel free to email me if you would like to talk more about this?

Kathy,

Your story is very similiar to that of my partners. She also is an only child, and has struggled with whether she should tell her parents. I'm pretty sure they know and it would not come as a surprise, it might even be a relief to finally have it out in the open. We've just talked about your post and her opinion is "not to tell your parents, because of their age and their mindset. Why break their hearts when they're this far along in life? They would still love you, but the disappointment may just be too much to overcome for them and that guilt would stay with you for the rest of your life."
Her parents were teenagers when she was born so they're still in their 50's. Chris doesn't feel that they're in a place of acceptance but they are farther along with the whole idea than they were a few years ago.
As for me, I did tell my mom (who's 80) just a few years ago and it worked out well for us. But I was at peace at telling her no matter what the outcome was going to be.
So...coming from our experience I think you should only tell them if you're at peace with whatever outcome you're faced with afterwards.
Blessings on you.....

Hey ladies...

Just to add a bit of extra stuff to the debate.. I am the aforementioned partner of kathyf, so I'm gonna chuck my 2 cents worth in (sorry kath!).

I have met kathy's parents twice when I went and stayed with them for about 3 days each time. They do like me (as far as I know) and I like them and get on well with them. They know we live together, have a joint bank account, share a car, go grocery shopping together, go on holiday together...etc, etc..... and it hasn't put them off me yet so maybe they DO know and just aren't acknowledging the 'elephant'.

On the other hand though, sometimes they come out with comments that suggest they don't have a clue, so I for one can't tell whether they already know or not.

As for phoning/emaling more..... kathy does call/have calls from her parents at least once every day - I think half the problem is she feels like she doesn't have much to say to them cos she can't always talk about things in the 'we' sense, as she could if she was married (to a bloke) and had kids.

It's a wierd one... I can see how much it's getting to kathy, not being able to be honest with her parents, but I can equally see why she wouldn't want to tell them. I for one don't know what to do either!

Well, scratch that "reach out more" idea then--She's in contact with her folks much more than I am with mine! LOL!

This might just be one of those situations that end with "Be still and know that I am God." Kind of a "hurry up and wait" sort of thing, eh?

I do think if they're meant to find out, they will. And I can tell you from having had so many friends, family, etc. "come out" to me that even in the "surprise" cases, once the initial shock wears off--You're back to talking about the same old everyday things. So I think she should still talk about the same old everyday things, saying "we" when it applies. They'll either get it or they won't, but either way, what's meant to happen will happen.

Again, this is JMHO--and I'm looking at it from "the other side" of the coming out arena....Anybody else?

Wanderer and Kathyf,
I do hear you in the "we" part of the conversations. Sometimes we get so confused about the we vs. I that we say I instead of we when we are with each other. For example, I have "my room". It never gets slept in by me, but it is "my room". It will always be referred to that way to identify it. We also have "OUR room". But my partner sometimes says "my room" instead of "our room". My most difficult thing is talking about finances that are joint, or things that happen at night, like animals that wake us up, or noises or where do the animals sleep. Otherwise, I talk about us and we!!

But, my dad will still make comments about "those homosexuals". Makes me think his head is buried in the sand.

Go with your gut. The one thing I would say, if they ask, don't lie.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: groucho,

Dear all,

Thank-you all SO MUCH for taking the time to offer your very wise thoughts- and thanks too to my better half for chipping in unbeknownst to me!

I think part of my problem is that I'm a very orderly person who likes things neatly tied up and boxed away and unfortunately let this spill into my emotional life. If I came right out and dropped the bombshell, at least then things would be black and white- I'd know they'd know, and I wouldn't have to keep playing the ridiculous I/we roulette that Groucho described so well! But- and I hope this isn't just wishful thinking- it seems there are those 'areas' of life where even close families members just don't go with each other. Truth is important, but it needn't be stated with the force of a sledgehammer to people it would very likely destroy.I know they might surprise me, but in all honesty I can't see mum and dad starting up a local chapter of Pflag any time in the near future. So I guess the trick is to live my life in honesty without necessarily mentioning the 'g' word or the 'l' word. And as DewDoc wisely points out, if they're ready to see it and deal with it, they'll say something; no need for me to rub their noses in it if they're not ready. And I have been praying along those lines too- if I'm meant to come out to them, a very clear opportunity will arise. I don't know if others feel this, but sometimes the wider gay community (whatever that means) can be very forceful on the idea that we should all come out to everyone whatever the consequences; if they don't like it, that's their problem. But sometimes, especially in cases like my parents, they're as much victims of homophobia as anyone else, who simply don't know any better and may well be at a stage in life where the learning curve would be just too steep. And while I can see lots of reasons why a clear 'coming out' is important, I'm not sure it should be done at the risk of making two otherwise lovely but vulnerable people very unhappy. I'm particularly grateful, by the way, for Jones' partner's thoughts on this- it means a lot coming from someone in a very similar position.

Your thoughts have done a great deal by way of offering reassurance that I'm not the only one in this tricky situation, and that it is possible to live honestly and (fairly) openly without breaking my parents' hearts. If they were ready to talk, they would- there's plenty already on display for them to talk about. As Wanderer said, they already know how closely our economic and domestic lives are intertwined, and that it's with each other that we spend significant events like birthdays. And as I think about it, I'm actually quite moved at their level of acceptance to me thus far anyhow; I've not done any of the things they wanted (got married, had kids, and most of all, lived close to them) and they still love me. No need to repay that with a big statement just to make things 'tidy'.

Once again, thank you all so much for your input on this- it has helped a great deal. maybe we should start a support group for 'dealing with parents and other sources of immense guilt!

Love to all and every blessing

Kathy

Kathy, I think you're dealing with this with a very loving heart. In the end, that's all that will matter! My prayers are with you!

Kathy,
Coming out is a touchy situation and has to be done tactfully and you have to be willing to understand where the other side is coming from. It may go good or it may go bad--every situation is different. I have a friend that told her mom and she said that her mom already knew and was just waiting for her to tell her. But not every situation is like that. Like my situation...I was with my partner for 2 years and when she broke up with me I was devastated. So devestated that I went home to Mom. I was crying uncontrollably. And she told me to tell her what was wrong and I told her it would just make things worse if I told her and she told me to tell her anyway. So I blurted out, "I'm gay." She said, "No you're not." and I said "Yes I am." and she said "not you're not." She said that she had suspected about my relationship with my ex but dared not think it. She then said that I was wrong for living this lifestyle but that she still loved me unconditionally. She said that she was going to pray for a miracle that God would heal me. So I was actually forced to go back into the closet that I tried to come out of as far as my mom was concerned. My mom said that she hoped that dad never found out about my past relationship because she knows he would disown me. That offers you no help at all I know. But just pray about it and the Lord will show you the best way to handle the situation....as for me, I believe that ignorance is bliss (a line from the Matrix) God Bless and you are in my prayers, Carrie

Carrie...don't count your mother short. What you described of your mother's reaction is the same as what my mother said. It took a couple of years for her to come around, but we can now talk about my girlfriend the same way we talk about my sibling's husband/wife. No, she doesn't agree, but I no longer think she is praying for me to be cured! lol

In the beginning we didn't talk about it. Then we talked about it only when my mother brought it up. Now we talk about it normally. Give her time!

This is a hard one, my friends. I will be praying it works out for all of you, no matter the path you take!

Kathy,
I read your story (and the replies) about whether or not to come-out to your parents. First, never under estimate your parents or their generation. They just might surprise you. I came out to my mom (my dad died years ago) by writing a letter, because I had much to say and knew I wouldn't get it all out if I told her in person. And...I didn't want to forget anything or say something I would regret. I mailed it. She got it, read it, processed it and WROTE ME BACK!!! (we only live 40 minutes apart)lol She was shocked, to say the least, and didn't understand it or believe it or agree with it and thought it was a phase. However, after stating her views, she said I was her daughter and she loves me regardless. I know she prayed for me and wished it "all" wasn't so, but we continued our mother-daughter relationship as we always did in the past. We talked about it a week later. I don't think we really talked about it again. I just went about my business! I did mention in the letter that, I am what I am and I need to start living my life for me, b/c I deserve to be happy. She can continue to be in my life or choose not to be. I will always love her, but the closet door is open.

That was 2 years ago. I didn't realize the significance of coming out to her, until 7 months ago when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given 6 months to live. We talked about everything under the sun, including my coming out 2 years ago. As we took this cancer journey together, my journey for that 7 months was...a journey of no regrets. My mom was going to know everything about me. I told her everything I wanted her to know, I asked her all the questions I wanted to ask and so did she. We talked about my being lesbian and she was glad I told her, so I wouldn't be thinking about it after she dies....regrets. She wants me to be happy. Be happy in life.

She died 37 days ago at age 71, knowing her one daughter was a lesbian and loved her enough to tell her. My comfort is...I know my mom knows, she loves me and wants me to be happy. I don't have to wonder or live with the regret of my mom not really knowing who I am and what she wants for me.

For you....ask yourself....if my parents died tomorrow, would I regret that I never told them about my life and that in this life I am happy and I was able to share this happiness with them. Or wonder "what if" I had told them, how would things have been. For me!....I didn't want my mom to die with me not knowing about her, what she thought about things,what was important to her, right down to her favorite recipe.

Everyone comes out in their own way. Everyone has to make that decision for themself. I wrote this story, because many people don't think about how they will feel or think after their parents pass-on. I didn't with my dad, but I sure did with my mom.

I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.
Love in Christ,
Judy

(((((Judy))))) I'm happy you & your Mom had the chance for such special time together before she died. She sounds like a great lady.

Maya my heart goes out to you for the loss of your mom. I'm sure it was hard to see her go. My experience was a little different I guess. I decided to come out to my mom because I realized that I was cutting out such an important part of my life from her that we could never be that close unless I let her in on that part of me as well. Not that being gay is all that important to me. It was the fact that I couldn't talk about this woman I had committed my life too, share our children with her, share our dreams and aspirations for our life with her etc. without her knowing. I wanted my mom to be included in ALL of my life and not just a small portion of it. That's why I took the chance and came out to my mom. It was rough at first but her love for me cut through her fears and doubts and she could see that I was still the same person I was before I had told her.

A friend of mine was in the same situation and didn't come out to her parents for well over 15 years. Then she met the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and raise a child together. She wasn't going to tell them (because they were anti-gay) but my story helped convince her she should - mostly because she wanted her parents to be involved in their daughters life. In the end it was a beautiful thing - rough at first but they too came around and are now the two closest people in their and their daughters life. Not saying your story will have the same happy ending but for many of us the risk was worth it because we wanted to give our parents the opportunity to be involved in ALL of our lives and our families lives. I hope all goes well!

Elaine,
Well written. I had a partner at the time and was very happy. I wanted my mom to see me happy. I wanted to share that happiness and excitement with her, because she hadn't seen me that happy before. I needed to be free and out of the closet for her to understand why I was so happy. She also watched me go through the break up. I think that helped her to see my true feelings for another woman and that my heart could break from it. All that is important to me, at this point, is my mom saw me in a time of happiness before she died. Something I don't think she thought she'd ever see. Now, I still think she died thinking this is a phase, but that's ok.....she loved me anyway!!
Judy

Judy,
So sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom about 3 1/2 years ago.
I think that the happiness thing is a true key here. I know when my mom was very sick and unsure she was going to live much longer, she asked to speak to my partner. She asked my partner to take care of me when she was gone. That was a clue to both of us that at least she had an idea that there was a commitment between us. Every person that has known me for years has said that they see how happy I am now. One of the major reasons for this happiness is that I have reconciled my faith and sexuality.

I think coming out is a personal thing. It is something you have to do when you are comfortable with the situation.

Thanks for sharing your experience.