Hello everyone,

I am facing a dilemma as to whether to tell one of my best friends that I am attracted to women. Part of me wants to, as she is very supportive and caring, and I feel as if I am bottling things up. The other part of me thinks that if I say anything, it will change our friendship and she might think that I only want to see her because I am attracted to her (not the case). Also, I am not about to have a lesbian relationship as I am married - so should I hold off telling? What are other people's experiences of coming out to their friends? Ajay

Though your case may be different..because you're married....I've only told one close friend. I told her when it got to the point where I HAD to tell her. I was starting to feel uncomfortable with her not knowing. And, my friendship with her was important enough to me to risk losing it by telling. I would rather have lost the friendship because of telling, then to have lost it from not telling. If I hadn't told, my feeling of discomfort around her and the things she said would have gotten to the point that I couldn't be around her anymore....and to me that would have been worse.

So...I risked the friendship....and she was uncomforatable about it and around me for a while. Uncertain as a Christian how to take it, or me. But, even though we haven't talked about it again since that day....things are good with us. She knows now, and I've noticed that even if she hasn't changed what she thinks about people being gay (and I don't know if she has or hasn't) she doesn't say anything about it around me. And....my knowing that she knows, and not having her say things about gays, or have to look at the expression on her face when she says them....I don't feel uncomfortable around her anymore.

But...that's the only really close friend I've told. I did it because I had to. I had to risk the friendship...and found that our friendship was stronger than any feelings either of us had about whether being gay was "right or wrong".

I don't know if that helps or not....it's the only example I have to share though....

God Bless,

shy

Basically, I think you know when it is right or not. Since you are not planning on having a lesbian relationship, what is the purpose of telling her? I have not told many of my friends or family and I have been with my partner for almost 7 years. A year ago, a friend of mine was talking about coming to visit me. I was feeling very uncomfortable, because I didn't want to hide who I was while she was here. She ended up not coming, but I did see her last summer and made a point to come out to her. She was cool with it. We don't discuss it, but she knows that my partner is more than just a roommate!

Go with your heart and evaluate why you want to tell your friend.

Thank you for your replies Shy and Groucho - it's good to get a different perspective on things.

In response to Groucho, 'what is the purpose of telling her' I suppose I want to, because we have discussed the problems I have with my marriage before, and this might help her understand why I am having these problems.

Ajay x

hello,

telling is a gift we make. I told a very good friend, a woman, that I was a lesbian. she told me not to worry. we are good friends and she is very caring and supportive. we have lunch together. When I told her at first :" I prefer to leave men to the women who are more careful than me". She asked me : "do you prefer women" I said yes. I am a lesbian.

She did not break that friendship. And I told her I would not steal her husband. She was feeling better because a very good friend of her tried to seduce her husband when she was not here and my good friend had to break this friendship with the felon woman.

She knows though I am lesbian, I appreciate her as a good friend and I will not try to seduce her. I respect her. She is mum and has a good and blessed family.

Her friendship is a gift of God I keep like a treasure. God is good to send us friends like her.

That was all I wanted to tell you.

Dear Petite,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. I found it very comforting - especially the way that you said that 'telling is a gift we make'. I had not looked at it in such a positive way before. I really feel the need of support from good friends at the moment - my husband knows that things are not going well for us in some aspects of the marriage. He is feeling insecure and accusing me of having an affair - although I have reassured him that this is not the case.

Thank heavens for this site - it is a real life-line for me. Thank you everyone.

Ajay

I have it hard to be really close to someone and not tell them. Until that point I find myself 'hiding' my life from them. I don't feel comfortable going to many social functions because I'm an outgoing talkative person and yet I can't say a thing about my own family. I say things but in a very roundabout way. I HATE that part about being gay. Nothing to do with being gay mind you - it has to do with socities prejudices around it. But still...

So if I want to get close to someone or my kids want to become the very best friends with someone. I find it imperitive to tell them. I, nor my family, can get really close to them until I do. If I was single it would be easy (well easier) not to tell. With kids and a family of 18+ years though - how do I get close to someone and NOT tell them? I can't do it.

Hey Ajay
It's a tricky one.... Like Elaine I find it hard to be close to people and not tell them. A lot of my friends who I am close to don't know about me, and it made things very awkward at times. I have sinced moved away from the area and still keep in touch with them, but haven't told any of them that I now live with my partner. I think a large part of that is because they are all Christians, and I guess I'm worried about what they might say if they knew.

As for your friend, I can totally see why you would feel like you need support, and if you feel like your friend is the type who wouldn't judge you, but would support and listen to you, then maybe you should tell her. My experience of telling friends has been largely positive, a couple of them took my by surprise and said they knew already, and one who I thought (out of all of them) would be supportive totally wasn't.
One did say that although she didn't agree with me being gay - in that she thinks it's a choice - she would still support me, and was very cool when I was going through some hassle not long after.
I think if your friend is a truly good friend, even if she isn't totally ok with you being gay, she will do her best to listen and support you and not try and convince you to be something you're not.
You might have to reassure her that you don't fancy her (if you don't!) cos she may be wondering why you've told her, though as you've mentioned, if it sheds a bit of light on things you may have said to her before then I guess that can only help too.

Maybe look at the pros and cons of telling her and weigh up the 'long term' view of things.... and definately pray about it too!
I'm rambling, so I'll stop now.
Good luck!

Thanks everyone for your replies - I really appreciate your advice. Telling my friend is not going to be something I rush into - I'm sure I'll know when the time is right. In the meantime, it is a weight off my mind being able to share this with you all.
Love Ajay x