This is not exactly gay-related, but I need some prayerful advice-
For many years, I have been estranged from my adopted parents. This has nothing to do with me being gay, actually. As a young teenager, I was a habitual thief, and got into a small bit of trouble. Their way of dealing with me was by beating the crap out of me.I finally got tired of it, ran away, and told on them. My adopted mother undoubtably has never forgiven me, nor taken any responsibility for her part in the whole mess. To this day, we have remained estranged by HER desire. I spent the last two and a half years of my teenage life in a group home where I was on the honor roll at the local high school. I graduated from college. They never attended either graduation, but DID tell me not to send announcements to any of her relatives or friends.I have tried to honor them by NOT contacting them, and by honoring her request not to contact any of HER relatives. Believe me, I did everything she wanted me to do to "prove" I had changed (SHE did not have to "prove" anything- she was only willing for me to be the one who was "wrong")This has been painful for me as there are relatives that I have loved and missed. But she, even after all these years would question my motives. When I was growing up, their best friends were people we did everything with- we called them "Aunt" and "Uncle", and considered the children cousins. (All are older than me) I have alot of affection there because they helped me to love classical music, CS Lewis, and generally made an impact on my life. Well, one night, I decided to look up the kids. It has been 25 years, mind you. I found MOST of them, but was only fairly sure that one was one of the daughters. (I found out later I was right on all of them) I wrote her. She sent me back them most fantastic, wonderful e-mail! Then, her mom and sister wrote me back. (My adopted mom's best friend) WONDERFUL,loving e-mails! I finally got to say "Thank you"for everything. So, herein lies the problem; my adopted mom will probably blow a GASKET when she hears about this. But I ALSO had my OWN relationship with these people. Technically,they are not "relatives", but even then, it was really not fair for her to ask me to do this- it is MOSTLY probably so they will not hear MY side of the story. Now, I have been in contact with them. We have traded e-mails. The Aunt has invited me, in a couple weeks to a museum, which I have accepted. I really would NOT like to discuss my parents, and what happened to me. I do not want her to be in the middle of anything. But there is a twenty-five year gap. I, of course, am curious what has been said about me to explain all this away...my "disapearance", which I have honored, but what I REALLY want is to touch bases with these people again. The more I have spoken to her,the more I like her.She is close to 70 and has the outlook of a 20 year old! Does anyone have any advice on this situation?

I would think if this person is your adopted mothers best friend, she has a pretty good idea what happened. That being said, I would be as honest as possible if and when the subject is brought up. Who knows, it may open up some kind of communication between you and your family?

Either way, I would not let one person keep me from communicating with people. You have grown from the person you were years ago, and it is time your adopted mother realizes that.

Blyth,

I'm so glad God guided you to take this step. It is obvious that these people love you and have missed you. Your adoptive mom has no right to keep you apart. If she gets upset, so be it. She has done wrong by you, not the other way around. You should be able to speak frankly with your "aunt" about what happened as long as you keep from casting blame or complaining about the unfairness of it all. It is, of course, unfair, but you don't need to point that out to someone who loves you. She knows. God bless.

Ingrid

Blyth . . .

You're an adult woman now. You have every right to contact whom you WANT to contact.

Your adoptive mother has hurt you long enough . . . now is your opportunity to stop the cycle of her abuse. Definitely reach out to these people whom you love and who love you. If questions arise, tell the truth in love and fair-mindedness. The Bible tells us to not worry about "defending" ourselves; He'll be our defense attorney, and He's never lost a case!

If your mother "blows a gasket," then let 'er RIIIIIIP!

This is YOUR life now . . . she's lived hers and manipulated yours long enough.

That's my 2¢ worth!

Blyth:

I had a mother-in-law who was very much like your adoptive mother. I think it's very easy for people to say "go for it" and "be honest". Yup, that's what I would like to say to you too! But, having had an abusive relationship with my mother-in-law for over 15 years, I can tell you that no matter which option you choose (to talk about it or not talk about it), your mother won't like your choice.

Yes, I think you should meet your "aunt" and hopefully it will lead to a very loving reunion with lots of other people from your past. As far as talking about things that happened 25 years ago...maybe you'll talk about it and maybe you won't. My advice would be to wait for her to ask the questions and decide which ones you are comfortable answering. Perhaps even stay away from talking about your mother at all...just talk about who you have become and let her figure out the rest.

With my mother-in-law, it just didn't matter what I said...it was ALWAYS the wrong thing. I lived with her verbal and emotional abuse until the day she died and occassionally still relive those memories. I'm sorry that you have had such a hard time and I will pray that the words you share with your "Aunt" will be ones that are loving and full of God's grace!

Let us know how things go!

Carol

I thank all of you SO much for your wisdom and kindness- I will probably re-read these before I go meet with her. I realize that these situations are part of the "prison"my adopted mom relagated me to for my "sins". I can't live in it any more. If nothing else, at least I have had the opportunity to tell them how much I appreciate them, which is really what I wanted to do anyway.

Hi Blyth-

I have a somewhat similar situation to yours. My mom had a falling out with her side of the family, basically after I went away for college. WE weren't supposed to call them, contact them and definitely not visit them. If we loved my mom, we couldn't do that to her "after all the cruel things they did to her." I don't know what those things are, and my mom refuses to talk about it. I had a real debate about this. About 8 years ago, I regained contact with them. At the time I was engaged and wanted my then fiancee to meet my family. My ENTIRE family. I was keeping this all a secret. However, the family kept saying, "we're going to contact your brothers and sisters and stuff..." I was worried. They wanted my younger siblings' addresses, but I just told them they lived at home. It was lying to them and lying to my parents/ mom. It was a hard place to be. I went back and forth being in contact with them and then not talking to them. I felt that I was not obeying my mom and "honoring my parents." However, I was going to a Christian psychologist and she told me something that I never thought before. She told me I was caught in the middle. We couldn't have a relationship with all of us together. I could still honor my mother by not disclosing information about my mom to her family while still visiting her family because I wanted to see them and had nothing against them. I was told I should not try to bring them back together (which in the back of my mind was another reason for getting together- I like to have peace in any situation). I was told by my counselor that it was not up to me to help them make amends. What was the issue and the most important thing is being true to myself and being involved in both relationships. IF the topic came up about me seeing the other, then I can explain the above. I don't know what happened, but I had my own relationship with these people. Since you won't give me a reason why I shouldn't see them, I am an adult. I'm not disobeying you, rather honoring you by not giving your family information about you and then just building a relationship exclusively you and me and exclusively me and your family. It's not easy but I have made it work for the most part. I think the most awkward and uncomfortable time was when my grandpa died (my dad's dad) and they showed up to the funeral. I had a rough time with that. My sister was laughing at my grandpa's (mom's dad)jokes, and my mom yelled at her for that. It's hard.

I don't know if I helped at all...it's not an easy situation. A lot of what my counselor has told me is that I can't take on other people's feelings...my feelings cannot be my mom's feelings...if she's angry at her family, I can't be if I'm really not. Since i know nothing, I can't be angry. I pray that your situation goes well....and praise God you have contact with your "family" again...I'll pray for you.

Abigail

Isaiah 40:31