Hello,

I'm new to this site, I thank God that I found it. I would just like to ask for prayer for the situation that I am in. It’s actually simple, and similar to many that you are all facing or faced.

I was brought up in the church; my parents have spent the majority of their lives being missionaries all over the world. They are both ministers and have brought me up in the lord. Which I am thankful for, but not always as appreciative of and definitely critical of.

After my first semester in college (a women’s college) I had my first same sex crush, which led to me exploring. After the hook-up, I was devastated and confused. Of course I didn't tell my parents and I spent most of the year begging God for forgiveness and feeling lost and alone. I promised myself that it would never happen again.

Of course it did happen again. Almost a year later, I met a really wonderful woman and I listened to my heart (as scared as I was) and decided to go for it. Needless to say, I began to feel separated for the Lord and Christianity, because the Christianity that I knew did not have a place for LGBTQ people. Especially not ministers daughters. I began and still resent the church and what it "stands for". I considered my parents and Christians Hippocrates. I always held on to God, but Christianity became a joke to me...it became something that I couldn't have anymore. Even though I behaved tough and ambivalently, I was felt isolated and alone.

Anyway....

Friends of friends found out my girlfriend and eventually it got to a pastor friend of my parents. He sent me an email telling me he was going to tell them. He didn't even both to talk to me. This was the biggest betrayal of Christianity and definitely not what I needed to solidify my relationship with the church.

So I was forced to beat him to the punch and randomly with out any preparation call my parents before he did. My mother was devastated and my father- for the first time cried. Being the girl that has never done "anything wrong", hurting my otherwise extremely supportive parents was too much for me to bear. I held my ground for 3 days. Telling that I was in a relationship with a woman, not necessarily that I am a lesbian. They couldn't handle it if I was I was bisexual, so I didn't even attempt to tell them at. After my father threatened to fly over and confront my girlfriend and I and then pull my out of school- I caved. This was during my midterm exams!

My girlfriend, friends and I- decided that the best course of action was to lie and tell them that I was no longer in the relationship (even though I had no intention of breaking up)- so that they would stop crying and wouldn't show up in my dorm room the following day. I couldn't stand feeling responsible for the breakdown of my family (even though they never said that- they were firm and unwavering but still loving). My friends and I justified the decision by saying it was none of their business and it was too much for me to deal with at the time. Also considering my teenage advisor's, it was deemed ok to lie to the parents- we all lied to parents occasionally, it was for their own good.

After the lie it was like the doors of my emotional hell closed and my parents rapidly returned to normal. They prayed for me (that God would give me clarity) and told me what I wonderful daughter I am. That Easter, when I came home I asked my parents why homosexuality was a sin. Of course I was presented with the usual text and I have never felt so abandoned by God as I did then. All this time I have secretly still be dating my girlfriend.... and dealing with my confused spirituality.

My girlfriend and I had been together for a little over a year and during that time- I realized that God was still with me. I have become comfortable with God again, but Christianity still at times annoys me, and I look at Christians as close-minded and out of touch with humanity. I am reluctant to go to church or socialize with Christians because I know they will judge and see my view of God as sinful and my love as demonic lust- or something else ridiculously like that.

Recently I went home for a month (I have been living abroad), my time at home made me realize that my parents are stuck in their ways. For the past year living a double life, doing things with then and things with my girlfriend, has really gotten to me. I haven't felt like a whole person- I am constantly lying to them when I am with her. Lying is wrong and it hurts me to have to do- they are such trusting parents. At the same time it has hurt my girlfriend to be a secret to the people I care about the most: my parents. She was supportive and understanding, but I knew it hurt her deeply and affected our relationship. And I just couldn't go though talking to them again about my sexuality.

So after being with her secretly for a year I broke things off. Knowing that we could never really be together. As embarrassing and un courageous as this sounds, I choose my parents happiness. I chose the "easy route". I mean it wasn't easy for me...I had to break the heart of the person I loved- but I felt that it was the best, most responsible thing do. Everyone makes sacrifices right? We all have to make choices. I mean it wasn't just my re-coming out to my parents, we are also in different life stages and in a long distance relationship. I just felt like I needed to stop lying and living a double life. If only i was brave the year before and stood my ground to them.

It has been about two weeks since we broke up. We are still talking and have the same deep feelings for each other. I guess it’s just been two weeks and time will change that. I feel that I have made a big mistake- my heart hurts so much and want her back. But then again this might be a good time to work on myself and my strained relationship with God and Christianity. Then I came across this site.

I know that I have to talk to my parents again. But I am so afraid. I know that fear comes for the enemy. I just don't know how to go about telling them again, and seeing them so upset. They are such good people, they don't deserve to be hurt or worse to think that their daughter- that they have loved and prayed for is going to burn in hell. It will be such an embarrassment for them to have their eldest child off the "straight and narrow". They feel that they are supposed to be an example to the church of a Godly family. I just know that my sexuality will have great consequences on their lives- it most definitely surpasses me, and I have to think about that.

There were a few days in my life when I thought that maybe my coming out could help them. And my father could make the church "open and affirming" and then they could reach out to other LGBTQ people in the community. But then I left dream world and remembered how idealistic that is. Not in a million years. I know all of you are going to say something like "have faith", or "nothing is impossible", but some things actually are. I don't mean to be so negative, but the Church is at times a huge lie to me.

So I find myself stuck in this place. Limbo. I'm not true to my family, not true to myself, skeptical of Christianity and waving my fist at God- even though God is the one that makes me able to have the strength to get dressed every day. I just feel so jaded- so hurt. Does anyone in here ever wonder why you are fighting to be acknowledged in a religion that does not want us? OR even better as a bisexual, even some gay people don't accept me- let alone Christians.
I just get so angry sometimes.

All I know is that I cannot continue to live how I am living right now. Something needs to change. I know this post was obnoxiously long, I appreciate anyone who read its entirety. It has been very therapeutic to just write all of this out. Please, please pray for me. I need the Lord back in my life stronger than ever.

Coming out is never easy. I've done it twice. The first time was 12 years ago. Being gay or a lesbian had never hit me until taking a human growth and development class in grad school. At that time, I was in a heterosexual relationship. However, I never really liked sex with a man. It was something that I just thought I would learn to like.

After finishing graduate school, I moved away. I secretly planned trips to Savannah to observe "the wild side." I would go to the bars and just watch everyone. While at the bar, I overheard someone talking about MCC. I was curious so I looked it up online. I spent a month driving passed the church before I actually went inside. They must have thought that I was obviously in the wrong church with that floral Laura Ashley dress (reminiscent of my sorority days).

Although my family is not religious, they are snobish socialites. When I first told my mother, she thought it was a prank to get attention. Then, when I became seriously involved with another woman, she got very mean and nasty. Until then, I was the perfect child. To shorten the story, I broke up with my partner of three years and conceded to "try" again. Then, I got married. We lasted for two years prior to the marriage and one year after it. It was a disaster.

It has been a year since my divorce and two years since my separation. I still feel guilty for leading him on. All I wanted was a normal life and a baby.

In between, I met someone else. She was definitely not what my parents had in mind. Very butch, older, former jock, on the heavy side. To me she was beautiful, smart, and funny. She was also spiritual and a Christian. However, I used to think "how I could fix her up so that she could presentable in my parents eyes?" I thought, "They would never accept her, and I'd be out of the family again." It took losing the person I love to tell my parents the truth. I was the one at fault. I was the ugly person who only saw what was only skin deep.

I have wasted 12 years or more trying to be something that I wasn't. Now, I am alone. And, I deserve it.

She may never forgive me; however, I must learn to try to forgive myself. I am by the Grace of God a whosoever child of creation. Being gay does not negate the goodness in me even when my actions speak louder than my heart.

Be true to yourself and follow your heart. Ultimately, you have to live with yourself not your parents.

Wow, heart wrenching and amazing stories both. First off sanctified I'd like to suggest you check out the church directory for Hong Kong. Only one church is listed but I know there is a lot starting to go on in that area and in Singapore. You can't say enough to have a supporting church family behind you. And Rae my heart goes out to you. Some lessons are extremely hard (and bitter) to learn. I know your heart yearns still for your first love. Have you tried to locate her? Could things be patched up? I know it's been forever but you never know. Please forgive me if I missed something in your post - I was reading pretty quickly tonight but both of your posts really touched my heart.

Rae Ellen,

Thanks for sharing your story. I think that I can learn a lot from your experience. I don't want to have to learn the hard way. Time is so precious and wasting it in order to please others isn't wise. Its so much easier to type, than to do.

I think I'm going to take steps to begin living more for God- and myself. Because your right, at the end of the day its my life and I will be accountable for what I have done with it.

Elaine, thanks so much for the Church link! I will check it out. Being with others with help.
Thanks!

Hey there, I was just reading your posts here and wonder... how are things going now? Where is your journey taking you?