hi...

im a little out of the habit of posting anything anywhere, but im lonely as all hell...and, i dont know where to look for relief. i feel so far away from God and so unreachable. i no longer know what i believe or why i believe or if i believe.

i am married with 3 children, and ive known for 3 years that im gay. i have struggled and struggled to find my way through this, and im just as stuck today as i was 3 years ago. something happened to me recently that has made things even harder. one day while on a family vacation, i looked at my kids playing, and i said to myself, "they deserve a family."

how many times have you heard a parent say that they would die for their children? ive said it myself. i just never imagined that i would die to myself in order to give them what i think they need. i dont mean to sound like a martyr, bc im not that noble.

i just know that im locked away inside...very few people even know that im in here. i so need to make contact with someone who knows im here...who knows who i am. i feel swallowed up and alone.

i just needed to speak my truth...even if to total strangers.

aleX

Alex,

My heart goes out to you. I don't have any advice for you but I just want to tell you that you've come to the right place. There are so many wonderful, caring women here who care and unselfishly offer their comfort, love and advice to others in need.
I will keep you in my prayers.

Rebecca

Alex -- Know that you have been seen, and that you are accepted and loved here. I'm not married and don't have kids so I can't relate to part of your story, but I do know how it feels to struggle with what you believe and if you believe. I also know how it feels to feel like nobody knows you're here. It's a horrible feeling. But I can guarantee you 2 things. God knows you're here, and loves you so much more than you can ever imagine...and we know you're here....I hope and pray that you'll find frienship, fellowship, encouragement and support here...

You're in my prayers...keep us posted on how you're doing sweetie...

Cristi

Whether you get the answer you prayed for, or the answer you dread, God's grace is the same.

-- Unknown

Hey alex - I'm sorry that things are so rough and I wish I had something wise or wonderful to say but I don't. I'm just posting to say your message touched me and I'll be praying for you. And as for "family" - my friend it sounds like your being one heck of a good moma to your kids in spite of the pain your feeling inside. Hang in there and believe God will work something out. His wisdom far surpases our own and He knows everything your going through. Trust in Him and pray for His wisdom, peace and Agape love to see you through. The Holy Spirit will step in when the time is right and lead you to where you need to go next.

RJN, Cristi and Elaine...

thank each of you so much for responding to my post. i really do appreciate your concern, your compassion and your prayers. i cried when i read your kind responses.

sometimes i just need to feel some tenderness. i need that like someone in the desert needs water. i have always felt so cut-off from God...even at the height of my spiritual experience, i never truly felt like it clicked. sort of like i was trying to force something or fake it, and if i lost focus for one second, it would all be gone. staying close to God has always felt like work to me.

i do know He's there, but i dont get it. i dont know whats gonna happen in my life. i kind of trudge through every day hoping that someone will show up on my doorstep with a FedEx package that contains directions to my happiness.

my heart aches to find its home. thanks for your prayers. i know God hears them...and, thanks for hearing me.

aleX

Alex,

I have read your posts and noticed that you mentioned how the desert needs water and want to offer something for you that I hope will bring some comfort to your heart and peace to your mind. This is a truth that God gave me years ago and I hope it helps. The inspiration came from Matthew 14.

After hearing of His cousin's death, Jesus went to a desert place. We don't know why, but Jesus could feel grief as we do and maybe He wanted to talk to His Father. The Bible does not say why; however, it does say that the multitude followed Him to the desert. Usually people try to find a way out of the desert, but these people followed Jesus to it because they were hungry for what Jesus had to say and they would follow Him anywhere.

And, in the midst of His loss, Jesus was moved with compassion toward these people. He healed their bodies and mended their souls. As day turned to night, the disciples wanted to send the people away because there was nothing to eat in the desert. Why, in all of their excitement to sit at the feet of the Saviour, the people forgot to pack a lunch, and now they were hungry. But again, Jesus was there to provide for them in the desert. The disciples, those who claimed to believe in Jesus, wandered around in unbelief saying, "Jesus, send the people away because we don't believe you can provide."

But, Jesus always has a plan, and He wanted the multitude to know and proclaim the Jesus is Lord. And, to think, all of this happened in the desert.

So, how about the deserts of our lives-the times when Jesus gives us the choice to follow Him somewhere where we don't think that we can learn anything, but where He wants to show us His love and compassion. When we arrive in the desert and we receive some of God's healing for our wounded souls, we begin to praise God for His goodness and love.

However, there are other times when we are like the disciples and we tell God that He can't help. We need to always remember that God is a God of love and mercy, but He is also a God of choices. We need to remember to make the choice to visit the desert because it is then that God will shower our deserts with care, love, and compassion like we've never known. And to think, all of this can happen in the desert.

Alex, I don't want the message to sound like a sermon, but I want you to know, that while you're in this difficult time, God and the ladies from this sight are here. I hope you feel the rain of God's love shower you and bring you peace.

Trish

Let your love wrap itself around those you come in contact with each day, and at the end of the day you will say that life has been wonderful.

trish...

thank you so much for sharing that with me. i needed to hear it. i had to read it through a couple of times to really take it in. i know very clearly that my faith is lacking (mild understatement), and if im honest with myself, i know that i am struggling with the conflict i feel about being gay and a Christian. like many others, i have sought relief from the inner turmoil by running from God...like Christianity is oil and being gay is water...they dont mix. i was raised in a belief system that supports this, and i know im struggling with it. therefore, to think that God would want anything to do with me at all is hard to accept...and, i dont want to be asked to reject who i am. im afraid if i get too close, God will ask that of me.

the other problem is that i dont want to actually explore it...i dont want to dig deep and find my own answers. i dont want to trust that God will take care of me in the desert. my inclination is to reject Him before He can reject me. i know im running. i feel very much like the prodigal child. i am so homesick, but im almost more afraid of His welcoming embrace than i am His anger. does that even make sense?

im very fearful of letting anyone (God or otherwise) get too close. i let people assume that they are "in" when, in reality, ive got everyone at arms length for my own protection. i dont even know what exactly im trying to say.

thank you for sharing with me. it means alot.

aleX

Alex,

I can understand how you feel. The thought that God might not want me was what kept me ignoring my reality for years. One thing that I finally realized is that I'm a Christian no matter what-I can't lose that and now I have admitted that I'm a lesbian, I realize that I can be both.

I will stop, but want you to know that you will find love here-don't keep us at a distance.

Trish

Let your love wrap itself around those you come in contact with each day, and at the end of the day you will say that life has been wonderful.

im speechless. i am living on these boards right now. trying not to feel so lost. my favorite verse has always been "be still and know that i am God." that seems so simple, but i cant seem to do it. i feel totally without courage...totally without faith. the silence in my spirit is deafening.

thank you for offering me friendship. i only hope that i have the courge to accept the offer.

alEx

Alex -- the women on these boards are wonderful. They have been and continue to be such a source of encouragement and support for me. There are some women here who truly love the Lord and it shows. Allow God to use them in your life, you won't be sorry! I honestly don't know what I would have done these last several months had it not been for someo of the women here. (and those of you I'm talking about know who you are ) I pray that the Lord will shower you with His peace and comfort and that you will have a confidence in yourself that comes only from Him.

Cristi

Whether you get the answer you prayed for, or the answer you dread, God's grace is the same.

-- Unknown

Somehow, I feel moved to reply to your anguish. It is my personal belief that you will find your healing and your joy not in accepting yourself as gay...you already know that...but in a healing of your relationship with God. I know that sounds impossible right now, but you have to learn to accept that GOD LOVES YOU. I think you expect, like many people expect, that if you plug back in with God, all you will hear from Him is condemnation and damnation. That's all you deserve to hear, right? But are you going to put words in His Mouth? I know I have often felt this way, and it wasn't always about being gay, so I understand what you mean by "work"...where is the JOY that is suppossed to be in our relationship with God?...thinking He only has condemnation for me and not accepting His love. I think what you NEED to do is to go on a love journey with Him. You need to rest in the scripture I believe HE gave you in being still and knowing He is God. You may be free in "coming out", but your salvation still lies in Jesus Christ. Even if you come out and accept yourself, you will still have a God-shaped hole that only He can fill. That is the emptiness right now. But you need to realize that you cannot EARN His love. Yes, you are sacrificing for your children and dying to yourself. You may be doing all the "right" things, but it is not in doing the "right" things that we are saved...it is in Jesus Christ, and Him alone. It is in that relationship that seems so elusive right now that you will grow and have your breath...but it cannot be based on doing the "right" things, otherwise you are outwardly righteous, and inwardly dying. Yes, do die to yourself..but to Jesus Christ...not even your family...and have faith that He can lead you and He will bring the peace that you so desire. God knows that you are gay. He knows what you are struggling against, and how deep your pain is. Give Him a chance to be there for you in your pain. He knows anyway. Perhaps, this is the very thing that will bring you closer to Him than anything else in your life...but you have to trust Him. You need to let God speak for Himself instead of thinking He will say this or that...something I struggle with. In the end, we will not have our own righteousness to claim, but the blood of Jesus Christ.

cristi...

thank you for your prayers. i agree with you. the women at this site have been wonderful. i have spent many days now reading post after post of support and encouragement for one another. it has helped me, and im glad that its helped you as well. thank you again.

aleX

blyth...

thank you. i agree with you. somehow i begin to think that my being free and honest with the people in my life about my sexuality is the "end all, be all". however, i do know that my relationship with God is fractured and that it goes deeper than this one issue. that may, in fact, be one of the factors holding me back. what if i courageously "come out", find my freedom, move one...and, im still empty inside? i have accepted Christ (more than once)...i have engaged in rigorous Bible study...i have gone to church...i have shared Christ with others in an unapologetic manner. i just have such intense trust issues that make it so difficult for me to "stay the course". i can be the most intense Christian around, but i truly fear that if i lose one ounce of focus, God will just let me go. i feel like He has, and it leaves me disillusioned at best. i dont trust Him to meet me half-way. thats why it feels like work to me. i dont feel secure enough to just "rest" in His love. what is that? in all the years that ive been a Christian, i can honestly say that i dont remember ever feeling like i was in a relationship with God. i have felt like i was trying, working to make one happen. i kinda gave up. i never stopped believing in Him or even His love for me. i just couldnt seem to make it work.

and now...since ive come out to myself, i have drifted even farther away...it has been just another reason to feel cut-off. it is literally a struggle for me to leave a Christian song on my radio without switching channels. i dont even know where to begin. if i opened my Bible, where would i read? its like starting over, and part of me just doesnt want to, bc i feel so angry.

and trust me...i dont feel necessarily righteous bc i am doing what i think my children need me to do. that just happens to be the ONE area that i care enough to really work at. my 3 children are gifts that i have never taken for granted. i am very stubborn and unmoving when it comes to what i perceive to be their best interest. in most other areas of my life, though, im not so consumed with doing the "right" thing.

even as i type this, i feel my spirit stirring. if i really focus on what im feeling, i sense mostly anger. i dont know how to get past it really.

thanks for letting me rant.

alex

I found this this morning and hope it speaks to you, too.........
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
Matthew 22:39b


Many people can forgive others and even receive forgiveness from God, yet they are unable to forgive themselves. Perhaps they have made a fool of themselves in front of others. Perhaps they have created problems for others. Perhaps they have wasted or even destroyed opportunities in their own lives. Now it feels as if it is too late—the train is out of sight and life has passed by. It seems impossible to forgive oneself.

But this is wrong. Are we greater than God? If God can forgive us, how can we not forgive ourselves? Our situations seem hopeless since we repeatedly fall in sin and repeatedly try to rise again. In the end we feel like giving up, and we may regress to even greater sin, despite the fact that we hate what we are doing. Self-contempt grows, and we begin to resent ourselves. This can develop into hate, self-destruction and a desire to punish ourselves.

We know God is good, yet we point to all our sins to prove we are not worthy of being loved. That is right, worthy of being loved. We think we are unworthy of liking ourselves. This is the root of the problem. Legalism is embedded in this notion of self-worth. We think we must be a certain way in order to be worthy of being loved. We feel we must merit our self-love, but since we never feel worthy enough to even love ourselves, contempt rises up. Time and time again, we condemn ourselves. Depressed and paralyzed, we finally give up.

But through all this, grace and love shine forth. God’s love flows out to us despite our weaknesses, mistakes and sins. He really loves us, and once we are able to love ourselves, we are also able to love others.


- Ulf Ekman

I think sometimes my greatest fear is that He will reject me anyway, so why try? I don't think this spiritual season has happened to you for nothing...but to free you from whatever is binding you...because you are face to face with it...God brings us face to face with things when He wants to deal with an area in our lives. My sister, we have all been here. We have all been here.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Blyth:
I found this this morning and hope it speaks to you, too.........
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
Matthew 22:39b


Many people can forgive others and even receive forgiveness from God, yet they are unable to forgive themselves. Perhaps they have made a fool of themselves in front of others. Perhaps they have created problems for others. Perhaps they have wasted or even destroyed opportunities in their own lives. Now it feels as if it is too late—the train is out of sight and life has passed by. It seems impossible to forgive oneself.

But this is wrong. Are we greater than God? If God can forgive us, how can we not forgive ourselves? Our situations seem hopeless since we repeatedly fall in sin and repeatedly try to rise again. In the end we feel like giving up, and we may regress to even greater sin, despite the fact that we hate what we are doing. Self-contempt grows, and we begin to resent ourselves. This can develop into hate, self-destruction and a desire to punish ourselves.

We know God is good, yet we point to all our sins to prove we are not worthy of being loved. That is right, worthy of being loved. We think we are unworthy of liking ourselves. This is the root of the problem. Legalism is embedded in this notion of self-worth. We think we must be a certain way in order to be worthy of being loved. We feel we must merit our self-love, but since we never feel worthy enough to even love ourselves, contempt rises up. Time and time again, we condemn ourselves. Depressed and paralyzed, we finally give up.

But through all this, grace and love shine forth. God’s love flows out to us despite our weaknesses, mistakes and sins. He really loves us, and once we are able to love ourselves, we are also able to love others.


- Ulf Ekman

I think sometimes my greatest fear is that He will reject me anyway, so why try? I don't think this spiritual season has happened to you for nothing...but to free you from whatever is binding you...because you are face to face with it...God brings us face to face with things when He wants to deal with an area in our lives. My sister, we have all been here. We have all been here.

---

i honestly dont know what im face-to-face with, but i recognize that im face-to-face with something...maybe im face-to-face with myself. its good to know that others have been where i am.

alex

oops...i didnt realize that i was quoting your entire post. i havent quite figured out this system. oh well.

aleX

Hi Alex
This is my first post ever - anywhere. Please keep talking to God. The Lord will never lead you where grace cannot keep you, and the way will become clear. Please keep talking to us, too. We are all writing one great life-story for the Lord, I think, and ultimately we will see more than "through a glass, darkly" I'm praying for you, darlin'

hi terp...

and welcome! i feel very honored that your very first post anywhere was in response to me. thank you. i love what you said...im sure ive heard it before..."the Lord will never lead you where grace cannot keep you." who's grace, btw? oh, my goodness...im just kidding. see...you even forced me to throw out a lame joke. i must be feeling better...somewhat. thank you for your prayers, too. i know God hears them.

aleX

Hey Alex,
Thanks for the humor - I could be a smartie and say that grace and I used to share a few meals together-and she just kept hanging around until I figured out she was here to stay! I too am married and raising a family, and it sure hit home when I read about your loneliness. I'm sure we have a lot in common, and I am sure God has led me to this Website for His Reasons. I'll stop rambing and just keep praying. GRACE to you, and Peace too.

aleX

I will be praying for you. My list just keeps getting longer and longer but I haven't much else to do so I enjoy praying for people to find happiness.

About Grace <----- well she and I do share meals sometimes. And she is beautiful... doesn't care that I am lesbian and she prays the sweetest prayersfor me.

I am reading a great book called If Grace Is True.
It is written by Philip Gulley and James Mulholland.


Princess Bethany


Loving Jesus and loving Ruthie, I am a Christian who just happens to be gay. And my prayer for all of you is that you find love with the one God made for you and that you sleep safe in the Palm of Jesus' Hand knowing that all is well with your soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
cause sometimes it takes a woman to be a prince.____TexasNational