HI everyone....

Well, I've been out to my family for well over a year. My 1st wedding anniversary to my partner is next month. But since I've been out, my dad is the only one in the family that cannot talk to me. He wants to, but can't. I've talked to my mom about this and she's tired of his "stubborn-ness." I know it's really getting to her. My partner suggested that after Christmas while I'm still on break that I visit with him. I live in Ohio and they live in Florida. The distance has been for my dad a relief. Now it's time to put the pressure on him. I've left messages for him, wrote him, etc. He won't return calls unless it's my mom doing the talking (hence her frustration). So what would you suggest, being there and have done that? I know I need to confront him. My mom said my dad stated that he has a friend whose daughter is a lesbian and he had to go to therapy after his daughter confronted him like I am planning on doing. And my mom said she won't go to therapy because the problem isn't with him. BTW, he's a Christian and believes morals are more important in this situation. I am a Christian, too, but do not listen to the close-minded tv evangelists that he has been so brainwashed by. Thanks for your advice in advance.

Abigail

www.myspace.com/melmsie

Hi Abigail,
I've endured relationships like you describe with your dad in my family too. For what it's worth, here's how I've learned to handle it.

1. I can't control anyone else's behavior or feelings, only my own.
2. I do whatever I can to make amends and reconcile, without damaging my own personal integrity.
3. i can't change another person's opinion of what I do. Only God can. So if they disagree and keep talking to me, great. We can still have a relationship. And if they refuse to talk, I hold them in prayer, and also pray for healing for myself, because rejection hurts, especially from family.

It's taken many years to get to the point where I can say this and really believe it. And plenty of support. But it's worth it, because I no longer hold myself responsible for things I have no control over.

JMHO- Jenny

Good advice Jenny.

Abagail,how about a copy of Elaine's book for your dad for Christmas. Ask him to do you a favor and read it.

Groucho, that's a good idea....but Abigail, don't be surprised if he doesn't read it. I've offered my copy to my mother several times and she't NOT interested.

My Mom and I didn't talk about it for a long time...about two years later it started to trickle into conversations and then gradually it's just every day life. It was hard to wait, but for me, it was worth it. The end result is good.

Thank you for all your advice. I wanted to also have my dad read "Stranger At the Gate" to give him an idea from a Christian perspective as well. I don't know if he'll read it, but I'll try anything.

With talking to my mom last night, she's afraid because of the distance and the fact that I'm not near them, it can be very easy for my dad to avoid me (true). But it seems like there's hope. My mom made it sound like I needed to confront him now rather than later. She thinks that there may come a time that he'll never talk to me. Right now she can't make him, and he can't even make himself talk to me on the phone. It's a delicate issue because I was where he was years ago, and with the evangelical Christian perspective (where I was and where he is now), I know that it's going to be a hard nut to crack. But I have done it. I can only pray that he can as well. Thanks again!

Abigail

www.myspace.com/melmsie

Just a couple of commens....Having read both Elaine's book & "Stranger At the Gate," I have to say that Elaine's book would be a much less threatening read for a conservative father. JMHO. It's hard to explain but I think because Elaine was so NOT into fooling herself or trying to convince herself of anything other than absolute truth, there's no preconceived agenda in her book. Most other books on the subject tend to feel like they were written with a preconceived agenda, whether pro or con. The other thing that stands out to me is the remark that you "need to confront" him ASAP on this. I think you need to address the issue of him not wanting to talk with you, absolutely. But you can't force somebody to change their views on any issue, especially this one, just because you think they've had enough time. What seems like enough time for you may not be enough time for your Dad. I do think on the average it takes 2-3 years of "processing" before family members are ready for much dialogue on the subject. So I guess what I'm saying is, DO push the issue of "I'm your daughter and I love you and miss hearing from you." That is the only issue I would push at this point, though. Again, I speak from the other side of the "coming out" experience. If the guy is doing the best he can at this point in time, look for the love & let the rest sort out later. Does that make sense?

I agree with Doc on this one and also believe that Mel's book might be a little strong for someone who has yet to come to grips (evenly remotely) about the subject. Plus some of Mel's experiences are rather graphic and may make your father really worried that your going off running around in dangerous places looking for 'love' in all the wrong places and with all the wrong people (e.g. parks, bushes, bath houses, living and doing the bar scene etc.). We all haven't had the same 'coming out' experience as Mel but with all the negative propaganda concerning 'us' I guarantee that straight folks who may be anti-gay will readily believe that EVERY gay person is living "the lifestyle" which for them means we're doing the kinds of things Mel and others have done. In short, Mel's book is a very interesting read but I wouldn't give it to someone to try and explain to them about me. I'd try a more 'neutral' dialog type of approach. Building a relationship and then broaching the subject (dialog) seems to have worked better for me in the past.