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I've been a member here since late 2003, and as far as I can recall, have never read much about bisexuals / bisexuality. Since this website is for GLBT, I guess I'm wondering...where are all the B's and what are their experiences?
This is an area I've been wondering about in my own life, but frankly never had the nerve to post about. Why? For one thing, I figure that being lesbian is being "enough" of an outcast in society (in general). Why would I want to admit that I might possibly identify as a bisexual...sort of an "outcast among outcasts"? So, in other words, I fear more rejection for being bisexual than for being a lesbian...even here. Hopefully those fears are unfounded. So, bisexuals (or those struggling with it), let's hear from you. I'd love to hear your thoughts/experiences. Part of me thinks that wow, it must be so easy to be 100% attracted to one sex or the other...instead of being somewhere in between. On the other hand, researchers like Kinsey seem to indicate that, truth be told, most people are somewhere on a continuum between 100% homosexual and 100% heterosexual. Another thing I wonder, though I admit this is probably naive...if a person (me) is bisexual, then why can't they (I) simply "choose" to concentrate on opposite sex attractions and "forget about" the same sex stuff? I mean, wouldn't that be easier, in society? I can anticipate straight Christians arguing this with me. In my own circumstance, I'd say I lean much more toward same-sex attraction than to the hetero side. But, I DO find myself attracted to men from time to time. And that bugs me, for some reason. Why is it that I feel so compelled to have a label? Don't know, but part of it is simply wanting to be honest with self, God, and others. Make any sense? searcher2003 |
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Searcher, great you brought this subject up! It's something I think about at times. For myself I would say that I have ever REALLY been in love in a woman but I can also feel attraction to men. I don't know if I could relate sexually to a man if the emotional side would be good. In my marriage sex was a big problem but I'm not sure if that was because I can't relate to a man at all or because he was more just sort of a friend than a lover. We were married for 20 years, now divorced 2 years.
I have also thought at times that it would be easier if you were clearly attracted to one sex only, whether your own or the opposite sex. I was very much in love with a close friend for years. Now that's over (we are still friends and share in a ministry). At the moment I'm happy and content being alone (with kids) but I do wonder about future at times. I am aware that it is so much easier in society to live as a straight person. Go with the crowd so to speak. So I'm asking myself (and God) the question that should I consider a marriage to a man. He would of course need to know what I'm like and accept that. Yet I know I'm more likely to be attracted to a woman, have been ever since a small girl. In some ways I'm pleased when I at times come to a situation where I feel a strong attraction to a man. It seems to tell me that there might be a possibility of another straigt marriage that would also work. Theses are questions in my mind at the moment. I don't have answers. I pray that God would lead me as He has in the past. I don't feel any urgency about these questions now as I have no emotional attachment to anyone and, as I said, I'm content being on my own. Bluewings |
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Thanks for posting, Bluewings. Nice to know I'm not the "only one" out there wondering about this.
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What I question about bi-sexuality is this- does it mean that people feel entitled to have a relationship with people of BOTH sexes at the same time to fulfill their "needs"?? I truly believe that God calls us to find one committed partner for life, so what does this mean for the bi-sexual? That they pine for a man if they are with a woman? That they pine for a woman if they are with a man? I know a (non-Christian) bi-sexual woman who had a husband, a girlfriend AND a boyfriend.
I think one problem that bi-sexuals may run into with lesbians (At least the reason why I did not seek out bi-sexual women) is that, in the end, heterosexual relationships are more socially acceptable, and why not be in a relationship that offers at least some sort of legal and social status? I think if I had ever had more than passing light "crushes" on men, I would have gone for the men. Believe me, I am more trying to understand more about bi-sexuality, and hope you can help me see more than I am able. I mean, most people don't understand being a lesbian. I think, in the end, we can all label ourselves and believe nobody understands, but God always does. |
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Good points, Blyth. I certainly don't advocate being in a committed relationship with both sexes at the same time, either. "Two-timing" is wrong, in my opinion, no matter whether we're talking about heterosexuals, homosexuals, OR bisexuals.
I wonder if it'd be any better if we used the term omnisexual instead? Ha ha. You know, like there are carnivores (meat eaters), herbivores (veggie eaters), and omnivores (either). Interesting that you mentioned light "crushes" on men. I wonder, is that what I feel towards men? Certainly, I'm more emotionally drawn to women, by far. And it's been decades since I've had any substantive romantic relationship with a man. I don't know, guess I'm just rambling at this point. Time to stop writing and ponder this some more. |
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Yes, Blyth, that was an important point. I would never think either that it could be OK to have several relationships at once. This is something that makes it risky, though, to be married to a bisexual - I mean that there is always the chance with anyone that your partner could fall in love with someone else. Could that risk be considered to be double with a bisexual when there are twice as many "potential" people to fall in love with!
I fell in love with two different women during my long marriage. I also fell in love with a couple of men. (all these were at the level of my emotions only, I never had an actual relationship with anyone and only one of them knew I loved her) No wonder my marriage ended. It has left me with many questions about my future. I know I can be faithful to one in the physical sense but for a committed relationship that works that is not enough. Would have to be able to do something about "romantic" relationships while committed to someone. |
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I would say that I'm bisexual. I have been only with one woman but I know that I'm attracted to men. I don’t understand why that would make me a pervert or a two-timer. It's not like I want to satisfy both my tendencies my heart is completely satisfied with the person I'm with and that so happens to be a woman. That is the person I fell in love with not the sex. I wasn’t intending to fall in love with a female but a person and I did and the package that that person was wrapped up in was a female one. I'm not trying to satisfy anything but my heart and lust shouldn’t be there anyways and it would be lustful perverse and shameful to try and satisfy every thing at once. I believe that kind of bisexual has another problem they need to deal with. My own thoughts on gender is that if we should disregard sex for everything else shouldn’t we do the same for love? That’s why I'm here, I want to find the answers, I want to know that male or female it's ok to love, because if I can’t then I don’t wish to live. If the thing in me that loves is broken and I've tried to fix it then I don’t wish to exist because the greatest thing is love were nothing with out it. Loving who I love makes me homosexual or bisexual, then so be it but if it makes me broken perverse separated from God or a sinner then there is the real problem. But if it is wrong how you can kill your heart because that is what I feel is dead to everything when I try to not love and I can only love how He lets me and how my heart makes me. my heart chose this life not my preference, and sometimes that’s the hardest part.
In the Bible there is a verse that a married man shouldn’t put himself in the position of temptation by being with the opposite sex alone. I don’t remember where I've been reading the Bible since I was young and well I never memorized placements just what is written. Anyways I do think that if one is bisexual then that person has greater restrictions. Maybe they shouldn’t be alone with either sex. I don’t know that always brings up trust issues with Elizabeth and I and well she was alone with one of her "friends" that person tried to kiss her, and well I trust her but not other people. I think that there should always be more than two together, if you are in a committed relationship. Just so you don’t put yourself in a tempting position, or a position that could jeopardize what you really love and provoke what you lust after. This message has been edited. Last edited by: katt7, |
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I've been reading this thread with interest. Having just been set free from an abusive and dysfunctional relationship with a male, [married 23 years,] and feeling emotionally vulnerable, and searching for answers, this discussion caught my eye.
I've said, [and we know that joking is often a lot of truth covering something up,] "my next 'husband' will be a woman." I've spoken that to my children and a few others and they look at me with raised eyebrows and some warn, "be careful who you say that to." Frankly I feel much safer and emotionally fulfilled with women. I feel very threatened by men and the one relationship I had years ago with a female partner was for the most part a good relationship. So does that make me bi-sexual? Does that mean that I "choose" which way I relate? It's been a long time since I could say, "I love my life" and right now, as I am healing from the past and my two failed marriages, God has brought people alongside to love me toward healing. For today I will be grateful for the best friend I have ever had aside from Jesus, and I will learn to trust and be vulnerable with this person. The friend is a woman and she shares God's agape love with me. This is not a romance, it is a relationship built on trust and mutual respect. I feel free to be myself and totally honest. To me that is refreshing and sex does not enter the equation. I also believe that committment and monogamy are key and if any person you are in relationship is in anyway involved with anyone else, it doesn't matter whether or not you are bi, lesbian, whatever.... That person is off limits physically and for all time! IMHO, Before jumping into a physical relationship with either sex, it's important to be a friend to yourself and trust yourself and yes, trust the real you with someone else. Setting boundaries no matter what your orientation and trusting God to "perfect that which concerns you" is key. I don't put myself in a position where it would destroy my Christian testimony nor have the "appearance of evil". I will continue to read your thread as I come to terms with who I am, most importantly, who I am in Christ and in His Word it says, "there are neither Jew nor Greek, male nor female." I must stay in the Word and believe that "the truth will set me free." Thank you for your honest sharing. You bless me. Katie Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." |
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Wow! What emotions are in this thread!
Katt, I'm with you. A bisexual person who is in a committed relationship should not ever want to look outside of that relationship to find fulfillment. Ultimately, God has picked out one person for us and that relationship will be fulfilling in every aspect if you wait for the one God has chosen for you - whether male or female. If relationships were just about sex, then I can see why a gay or straight person would be scared to date a bisexual, but since relationships are so much more than that, I don't see any reason to worry! Carol |
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Carol, I'm not sure I understood what you said there. The main thing about all relationships is the emotional. A bisexual person is equally (more or less) likely to fall in love with and form a strong emotional attachment to either sex. To stick to that person "for better and for worse" is in many cases a struggle, because people are made the way that when things are tough, it is easy to look for something else. For some people this is more of a problem than for others, and God can give strength to do right. But it takes working at the relationship. |
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I guess one of my fears about really "calling" myself a bisexual is that people will prejudge me before getting to know me at all.
Doesn't anyone with a label worry about this? Let's think of some common labels and their often-associated stereotypes. Born-again Christian (stereotype: ultra-conservative, judgmental, homophobic), homosexual (promiscuous, recruiting, sinner), southerner (ignorant, bigoted). So maybe that's my main problem with the label. I don't want to be pre-judged. Don't want people to decide they hate me without even giving me a chance. I think that just as there's a stigma in the straight community that says "all gays are promiscuous", there may well be a stigma in the gay community that says "bisexuals are more promiscuous, more likely to be unfaithful than gays or lesbians or straights". What do you all think? |
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And you are worried about the label "Bi" when you fill the criteria of the other three labels????
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I think this is the struggle in relationships, PERIOD, whether for straight people OR gay. When a marriage is in trouble, it is easier to chuck it (as our countries 50% divorce rate proves....)than make it work. I often wonder how these older people, many married during the war, young, knowing each other for very short periods of time, can make it work for 60 years while today people who have dated for 5 years, and are in their 30's cannot make it for 7 years. Any of us who are married go through times where we don't have the warm fuzzies for our spouse...we may not even like them AT ALL, but honoring the commitment (And knowing we are not always that great ourselves) gets us through these times. I know there was a time where things were not going well, alot because my mother-in-law lived with us and was making me miserable, and when I met a friend at a Christian conference, it was easy to feel very attracted. I fought the attraction by going to my minister. (If you have ever seen my wife, you would know that looks were not the problem.) I think that desiring others is a struggle of ALL people. God has to be the focus in our lives, otherwise we will drift from person to person. Our society, the media, I believe, is the root of our unhappiness with one another. It leads us to believe that there is always someone better, that "happiness", our own SELFISH happiness, is the goal. When GOD is our goal, our priorities change. In the case of severe abuse, I would not recommend remaining with the abuser, though. |
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Amen to what Blyth has said..... Selfishness has played a great part in the failure of two marriages and it is my desire now not to please myself but God. My focus must be Him. After all, He did say "seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things shall be added to you." My life has been pretty much of a wreck during those times I took the driver's seat. If He desires to bring relationships into my life now, I am open to His will. I can say again, "I love my life" and it's been years and a lot of self will run riot since the last time
I could say that! My orientation, my life's work, my relationships.... "mine, mine, mine"... "my, my, my".... Those selfish ungodly motivators MUST go and it needs to be, "more of Him less of me", only then can the Lord have control of "my" life. After all, it's not mine at all but His, right?
Katie42 Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." |
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Hey guys thanks for this wonderful and open conversation. I'm just sitting here reading through what everyone has to say. Glass of lemonade in hand (coffee went by the wayside early this AM). Just wanted to say - thanks for sharing such a wonderful discussion with us all.
1 Cor 13:13 (NLT) "and the greatest of these is love." |
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Katie and Blyth,
Wow! Just read your latest posts here and find myself realizing certain themes keep coming back to my attention. Themes like "seek ye first the kingodm of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you" and "trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths". May sound simple, but doing it certainly requires God's help, huh? Anyways, thanks, sisters and friends for the reminder of where our focus needs to be. |
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Hi Katt, I'm new here. Your Post was amazing. as a straight woman in a relationship with a bisexual man I come across alot of nay sayers about my relationship. I know that my fiance, who ironically also goes by the screen name Cat, loves me I know that I can trust him but alot of people question me about him by saying at some point in the relationship he's going to want a man....I go so? If i were in a het relationship my man may at some point want another woman...is plumbing supposed to make a difference? I am so glad you posted what you posted. It was an affirmation of my feelings about my own relationship and it was great to see your point of view. Keep posting. |
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Good you brought this subject up again! I was also interested in reading what I myself had written 1½ years ago. Notice that not much change from what I thought then!
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