As a woman, I have not had the best relationships with men. As a child, I watched my father spend most of his time on the tennis courts getting sloshed. I watched my mother as she flirted with the other men at the community pool. With my mother busy, I would take care of my drunk father and help him up the stairs to the shower. At six, I would help him undress and get in the shower.

I have tried to reconcile my childhood, that was mostly good, with my faith. The situation with my father has never been resolved. I have spent lots of money seeking help. But, no amount of counseling can take away the pain and shame.

Even though I knew I was different, I tried to follow my mother's silent directive: A woman is nothing without a man. However, each one I picked seemed to be worse than the last.

Sex hurt emotionally and physically. It was uncomfortable, unpleasant. I did not like it. I did not get it.

Sometimes, I get angry at God for making me a woman who has no control over her own life. To pray to a man who is supposed to be my divine lover and companion becomes more than I can handle.

I long for a spiritual center, an inner peace. I know that this anger separates me from myself and others. Sometimes, I simply withdrawal.

I fear letting go to the Lord, the man. How does one reconcile the Lord with the man?

Time is too precious to continue feeling this way.

Rae Ellen, I feel your pain. I can see how your experiences could make it hard for you to get close to God, if you see God as a man. But consider this - maybe God is more than a man, or a woman for that matter. I believe that God is pure spirit, pure love, and has no gender. We are in the image of God in our spirits, not our bodies. God is as much Mother as Father, and more than both put together. If it helps you, you can call God "Mother" instead of "Father" - God loves you no matter what you call God.
Ingrid

Well said, Ingrid!

Rae Ellen...Approach God in a way that works for you. Some translations use gender neutral terms for God. I think "He" was used in many translations as it was culturally relevant for so long.

I will be praying that you can find ulimate pease with God!

I hope you've figured out by now that your mother was WAY wrong. Nobody should need another person to complete them, male or female! If you have God, you'll be just fine with OR without another person around. You'll be complete in yourself. And I agree with the others. Jesus had to be one sex or the other in a physical form so it was a 50/50 chance, right? But his eternal form, and ours, has nothing to do with gender. I hope you find the peace you so desperately are seeking soon! Hang in there!

Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm in the forest or the wasteland. It is difficult to sit, be still and listen to G-d. I know that only through thoughtful prayer will I be able to grow into the person G-d wants me to be.

Sometimes, I am so impatient with myself and get so discombobulated with all that is going on in my personal and professional life. It's hard to step back and see the big picture when everything is so up close and personal.

"Be still and know that I am God." That's one of those things you can spend your entire lifetime learning to do, IMHO. And as for "the P word" (patience)...........I definitely am a work in progress! Ask anybody! Wishing you well....

Hey Rae Ellen,
Hello from a fellow south Carolinian.
How's it going with the God/man thing? I understand where you're coming from. I remember days in my counselor's office discussing that very topic. she had a hard time understanding my fear of God as a man, despite the fact that she knew well my history of chidhood abuse by my father. I get it, dear. I felt guilty for not wanting to get closer to God, but that male thing threatened me. I too, had to look at Him as a Spirit first. And Jesus as the gentle, nurturing shepherd, more a brother image.
Remember, God knows us, and our backgrounds. He cares deeply about us and understands. You can tell him about these struggles and He understands, better than anyone. He was there through it all. He knows your heart's desire.
I still struggle with distancing myself from Him, til I remember I can share with Him my fears of Him, or the fears that have been instilled because of the church's teachings. I am learning to differentiate between who He really is and Who I was taught that He is. Sometimes when I'm angry at Him, it's really those old images from wrong teaching. I have to learn to direct my anger at the church establishment instead of Him, the One Who loves us immensely, without reserve or condemnation, the One we need not fear. He is a heart of love, He is not out to harm us, but to nurture us. We can draw closer to the throne of grace with confidence. Jesus makes that possible. Thank you , Jesus!

I had a very dramatic passed, hurting passed, depressed passed, unfaithful passed, and my heart was always broken. When I came to not only my last breath for life, for myself and for the Lord. I woke one morning, I asked the one that I thought I loved, to leave, went into a secret place in my house and begain crying out to god. I have never hear God, but felt his presents, before long, I was forgiveing everyone in my past one by one. Forgiving all who hurt me all who brought me to my future depression. I continued to pray and pray and continued staying in the spirit of the Lord, I forgave others first before my own forgiving, I asked the lord to cleans my heart of unwanted gunk, and completely fill me with the love I had desired for him, others, and myself. All the holes and empty space in my heart where completely full with his presents, I cried and wept until I could cry no more, I shouted unto the lord with joy and gladness even if I felt I had non until I lost my breath and my vocals. I begain weeping and wailing in the lords presents and then total peace and understanding his purpose and plan for my life was there all the time, I had to do what he had been asking me to do for years, putting my desires and needs aside and give them totally to him, forgetting not what he did for me. I continue to walk in first LOVE for everyone and he continues to walk me down his path of righteousness. My storm is over, but while you also think your walking and continue walking through a storm, we will get to the calm side, we just first had to cry out to the Lord, he'll pick you up and carry you out. We sometimes think the storm will never be over, we might have cried out to him, but we have to cry out to him with everything we have. He gave us his all, his son gave his all, now give your ALL.