I feel like I've come here and just dumped on you all...I'm sorry. There is no one in my life I can share this with. I know what they would say.

Being married to a wonderful man should be the answer. Okay, married...just stop. But I'm in love with this woman and I don't know how to put her out of my life. I've yet to reconcile myself to whether or not I've killed my salvation and relationship with God. I'm hiding from God and everyone in my life. My child is the only reason I feel that I breathe.

I admire you all...you seem so strong. All I can do is sit here in tears and waver between what is right and what my heart wants.

Wisdom and prayers would mean a lot. I'm sorry to ask, being a stranger to you all.

First of all, one of the main reasons we all are here is to support one another. I think that a good percentage of us here have been in somewhat of the same situation as you are. I was not married when I fell in love with my partner 7 years ago, but she was! Although, her marriage was abusive and only on paper, unlike yours where your husband is your friend. The struggle of being gay and being a Christian is one that most of us have walked. Some of us still go down that road every now and then. I suggest you buy a copy of "Calling the Rainbow Nation Home" by Elaine Sundby. Also, go to the main page of this board, http://www.gaychurch.org and read some of the articles there. Hopefully, those things will help you to reconcile your sexuality and your faith. Keep sharing and we will continue to try to encourage you and help you along your journey.

Lily,

You are most welcome here. Please know that. Nearly all of us on this site have struggled with lots of tears, lots of pain, trying to find if we could really be Christians and yet be not heterosexual.

I for one can say that I don't really know how I have come as far as I have...except that it has been by God's grace in the midst of my struggle to find the truth. Part of his grace was providing me support from the folks at this website. I don't have ALL of the answers and I still do struggle at times with reconciling my sexuality and my faith. But, the struggle is not nearly as full of confusion, anxiety, and pain as it used to be. I have a lot more peace within myself than before. Part of that has been from admitting to myself what I really am feeling. Part of that has been from being vulnerable and honest with God, praying like I really don't know the answer, leaning on Him to show me the way. And sometimes those prayers consisted of mainly tears with only a few words uttered in between.

It is ok to ask for our prayers. It is ok to come here for support. It is ok to be who you are and to share that with us, questions and tears and wavering and all the rest.

searcher2003

Lily

Even if you are being unfaithful to your husband heart and body, you are human, I'm not saying that as an excuse for any sin, but it is one thing that our Father understands. That is why we need His forgiveness and why we must know that His grace is sufficient. You have done what you have done you haven’t lost your salvation. He just asks that we go and sin no more. Like I have to remind my self you never earned your salvation, and a sin is a sin. As far as loving a woman I don’t believe that God would condemn you for loving anyone but even I struggle with what I should believe.

It sounds like you love God and your husband. Are you attracted to your husband? If you are attracted and you love him, staying in love with him is not going to be effortless it will take commitment. Now if you don’t and aren’t and don’t want to be then I would ask my self is it better to stay with Him and lie or is it better for him to know the truth. I know your husband is safe it fits all the guidelines for what others would say God wants, but if you’re not in love with him and you don’t want to be in love with him then I would personally let him go. It wont make you anymore or less saved. Be fair to him so he can find some one who will be that for him. We all deserve for our significant other to be someone who will love us, be committed, be as a friend and to constantly work on keeping the flame of a relationship going. You want to save your marriage then personally if I were you; I would find a way to get your woman lover out of your life. If your devotion is to her then let it be there, but I would pray and find out what God wants you to do.

love nora

Many of us find ourselves struggling with a myriad of issues, from being gay to should we leave husbands in order to fulfill our own desires in Life? We have to Look to God as the First and Last Word and not be led by our feelings!

What did Jesus Himself teach on this very question? Do we accept His Authority as Lord or do we place ourselves above Him to have what we want when we want it? These are hard questions, but if we answer them honestly we will know who is really the Lord of our Lives!

He told us to take up our Cross daily and follow Him. It is a road of pain and suffering and dying to self. It is also a road of Great Joy when we follow His lead and the Guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Another question we should ask ourselves is why are we here and why did the Lord Save us? For what purpose? To do His Works and Will or to do ours? This fleeting Happiness we all think we must have, will it be an Eternal Weight or something that is passing with this world? We all have to examine ourselves before the Lord and give an account to Him alone. But we need to also consider how will our actions affect others! We are not here for ourselves alone. How will our Families be affected by our decisions? How will unbelievers see our lives? Will it shine the Light of Christ? How will those who are young in the Lord or weaker be affected by what we do? Paul said if my eating meat would stumble my brother, I will NEVER eat meat again.

I CORINTHIANS 8

9 Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak.

10 For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols?

11 So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge.

12 When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ.

13 Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall.



There are two roads Jesus said, One is the Narrow Road that leads to Life and few there be that find it. The other is the Broad Road that leads to Destruction, and there be many that go in there at.

Everyday we get to choose, who is going to sit on the Throne of our Lives! If it is anyone, including those we are attracted to or even think we are in Love with, then it is the wrong one.

Here's what Jesus said about it!

MATTHEW 5 (AMPLIFIED BIBLE)

16 Let your Light So Shine before men that they may see your Moral Excellence and your Praiseworthy, Noble, and Good Deeds and Recognize and Honor and Praise and Glorify your Father Who Is In Heaven.

17 Do not think that I have come to do away with or undo The Law or the Prophets; I have come not to do away with or undo But To Complete and Fulfill Them.

18 For Truly I tell you, until the sky and earth pass away and perish, not one smallest letter nor one little hook [identifying certain Hebrew letters] will pass from the Law until all things [it foreshadows] are accomplished.

19 Whoever Then Breaks or Does Away With or Relaxes One Of The Least [Important] Of These Commandments and Teaches men so shall be called least [important] In The Kingdom Of Heaven, but he who Practices Them and Teaches others to do so shall be called Great In The Kingdom of Heaven.

20 For I tell you, unless your Righteousness (Your Uprightness and Your Right Standing With God) Is More than that of the scribes and Pharisees, You Will Never Enter The Kingdom Of Heaven.

21 You have heard that it was said to the men of old, You shall not kill, and whoever kills shall be liable to and unable to escape the punishment imposed by the court.

22 But I Say to you that everyone who continues to be angry with his brother or harbors malice (enmity of heart) against him shall be liable to and unable to escape the punishment imposed by the court; and whoever speaks contemptuously and insultingly to his brother shall be liable to and unable to escape the punishment imposed by the Sanhedrin, and whoever says, You cursed fool! [You empty-headed idiot!] shall be liable to and unable to escape the hell (Gehenna) of fire.

23 So if when you are offering your Gift at the Altar you there remember that your brother has any [grievance] against you,

24 Leave your Gift at the Altar and go. First Make Peace with your brother, and then come back and Present your Gift.

25 Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way traveling with him, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison.

26 Truly I say to you, you will not be released until you have paid the last fraction of a penny.

27 You have heard that it was said, You shall Not Commit Adultery.

28 But I Say to you that Everyone who so much as looks at a woman with evil desire for her has Already Committed Adultery with her in his heart.

29 If your right eye serves as a trap to ensnare you or is an occasion for you to stumble and sin, pluck it out and throw it away. It is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be cast into hell (Gehenna).

30 And if your right hand serves as a trap to ensnare you or is an occasion for you to stumble and sin, cut it off and cast it from you. It is better that you lose one of your members than that your entire body should be cast into hell (Gehenna).

31 It has also been said, Whoever Divorces his Wife must give her a certificate of Divorce.

32 But I tell you, Whoever Dismisses and Repudiates and Divorces his Wife, Except on the grounds of unfaithfulness (sexual immorality), Causes Her To Commit Adultery, and whoever marries a woman who has been Divorced Commits Adultery.

HEBREWS 13:4

4 Let Marriage be held in Honor (Esteemed Worthy, Precious, of Great Price, and Especially Dear) In All Things. And thus let the Marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous.


HEBREWS 13:20-22

20 Now may the God of Peace [Who is the Author and the Giver of Peace], Who brought again from among the dead our Lord Jesus, that Great Shepherd of the sheep, by the Blood [that Sealed, Ratified] The Everlasting Agreement (Covenant, Testament),

21 Strengthen (Complete, Perfect) and make you what you ought to be and equip you with everything good that you may carry out His Will; [while He Himself] Works in you and Accomplishes that which is Pleasing in His Sight, through Jesus Christ (the Messiah); to Whom be the Glory Forever and Ever (to the Ages of the Ages). Amen (So Be It).

22 I call on you, brethren, to Listen Patiently and Bear with this Message of Exhortation and Admonition and Encouragement, for I have Written to you briefly.



I know this is a confusing time for you, but we all will be holding you up in Prayer. If you want you can e-mail me anytime at:

bestof101955@yahoo.com

HIS WISDOM AND GRACE GUIDE YOU,
ROSE

Here's something a Sister posted on a Marriage thread at WOF! Hope it helps!!!



"One of God's main purposes in ordaining marriage and the home
is not primarily for pleasure, as is ordinarily supposed, but
to decentralize the self, to teach agape love. The stresses
of marriage and the home are designed to produce brokenness, to
wean one from self-centeredness, and to produce the graces of
sacrificial love and gentleness.

Because so few people understand the nature and purpose of marriage, when unexpected stesses and strains develop they are tempted
to feel that they have made a mistake and perhaps have married
the wrong person. The next step is to seek a way of escape by
one means or another, sometimes throught a professional marriage
counselor or, more often, the divorce court...

If one or both of the persons involved is born again, God's
design is that each shall teach the other agape love. And this
is not easy. The life of nature and of self dies hard. But if
even one partner understands that life is for learning love
and that the home is the arena where it is best taught and learned,
a beginning in decentralization may be made. If the couple can
comprehend that neither life nor marriage is made primarily for
pleasure but for learning sacrificial love, they may not waste
their sorrows.

Trouble in a horizontal relationship is always the result of trouble
in the vertical realationship-with God. Somewhere self-will has
taken over. Antagonism toward a mate is first of all antagonism
toward God. Lack of love for a marriage partner is really lack of
love for God. "Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of
God; and every one that loveth is born of God and knoweth God. He
that loveth not knoweth not God...If we love one another, God
dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us...If a man say,
I love God, and hateth his brother(or mate), he is a liar: for he
that loveth not his brother (or mate) whom he hate seen, how can
he love whom he hath not seen?" 1 John 4:7-8. 12. 20

Dont Waste Your Sorrows by Paul Billheimer

"When either marriage partner gives as the excuse for separation that love for the other person is gone, the trouble is not primarily between the couple themselves but between one or both of them and God. When at least one of them gets really right with God, he no
longer stubbornly insists in his rights or having things his way.
Someone has said that the one right a Christian has is the right
to give up his rights. This agrees with the Sermon on the Mount.
The partner closest to God will almost always be the first to
yield. Love for God will enable him to surrender his prerogatives
and accept self-crucifixion. If he or she is not willing to do this,
it is beacuse his love for God is deficient. Refusal to suffer
loss for Christ's sake is really rebellion against God.

I agree with Rose I was never trying to say run a round do whatever feels good, whatever you want. I was simply saying take a look at your husband like he was at least yourself and try to consider what you would want if he was unfaithful to you. The bond of marriage is exactly what Rose says but I also have read that the only right for divorcing anyone is unfaithfulness. I beleive that he deserves your commitment, and that includes being rid of the person that is causing you to be unfaithful if that is what it takes to change things. If you dont want to do that I think that you owe him the option of staying with you or not, by the scriptures that I know.

I dont condem you at all I hardly know you and I love you and feel so sad that you are even in this horrible situation but I know you need to do something besides wallow in that situation and misery. I'm just talking from my personal opinion and I hope that it doesnt offend you because I dont know all the details of your situation but it seems like you were asking for an opinion. So... I just know that no matter what you can rest your burdens, no matter great small or bad you think that they are in Gods hands, He rightfuly paid for it, and wants it and I know He still wants the both of us , no matter what others would say.

Yes, I was definitely asking for an opinion and I appreciate your responses to me (all of you). I feel like I'll go crazy sometimes with all of this. I cannot lose my relationship with Jesus...and I know this life is fleeting and it shouldn't matter. But she does matter, I love her too much, I suppose. Not more than my child or more than God...but still too much.
She encourages me to be true to myself and that I deserve happiness with her. But I just don't think that God put us here with the sole intention of being happy.

I would really appreciate your prayers. I'm glad there is a safe place like this to share and hear wisdom from other sisters.

Praying for you, Lily

I know how you feel up to the part about your husband. I thought that my situation couldn’t possibly be more complicated, but you have a husband and a child to consider in all of this. I know that as Gods children we need to consider what He wants, and you should definitely do that. Ever since I was a young young child I did things and got a way with them but sooner or later they caught up with me or more like someone caught me. Like Adam and Eve you can’t hide in the garden forever.

If I were your husband (your husband might be different but) I wouldn’t want someone who didn’t love ME too much. Even if my fiancé was not unfaithful with her body but her heart I couldn’t imagine the sorrow or the way I would feel about our relationship but I know one thing. If I didn’t have a place in her heart above everyone but God and my child if that love was not mine, or if she did not want to make it mine, I wouldn’t want to be with her anymore. Friendship would be another question for time.

You have to weigh the consequences; a possibility is that you could loose his friendship. A possibility could be that you will influence your child. (But you can’t loose your salvation for making mistakes or being confused, were all trying to figure out life and the grey areas of right and wrong in this life. After God set his people free from pharaoh they still made mistakes and sinned and He still loved and wanted them. Our God lets us reap what we sew but He's forgiving, and most of all loves.)

So maybe the question is what do you believe in your heart? If you believe that it is wrong to love her the way you do and not your husband if you believe that it's not something that you want to influence your child with, then you need to at least restrict your friendship with this woman. Hang out in three's, hangout in public places, talk on the phone. If she does not respect that and you don’t want her out of your life, then maybe you already made your choice.

I could be wrong but no matter what the hand fallows the heart in the old testament it says to cut the hand off to keep you from sinning again but then Jesus came and said lets not cut the problem but the root of that problem, and that always starts with the heart, and mind. In my opinion, whatever you do don’t be lead by fear, nor condemnation, of what if, and especially not yourself, I know that it can be hard but Gods children know His voice, be led by that and only that, because only then will you be sure and truly joyful.

Love Nora

Hi Lil!

Thank you for your courage to post here on these boards. We love you and are glad you came! I'm not going to pick sides on this issue. It will ultimately be between you, God and all of the other players to help you make your decision. You will certainly find some people on this site that have been in exactly your situation and some of them waited years before leaving their marriage (or never left at all). Take your time.

The one food for thought that I want to share with you is this...if you leave your husband, but for some reason don't have 'her', would it have been worth it to leave him?

Don't leave for her...leave or stay because you think it's the right thing to do. If you stay, I think you have to give up the girl. If you leave, spend some time living separate from both of them. Work on your heart and seek God's will.

No matter your choice...know that you are among friends here.

Blessings.
Carol