After coming out to my family about 2 years ago, I've been subject to a lot of anti-homosexual talk by them. I have a very close extended family and we spend every Christmas together. (and have done for about 20 years!) My relationship with Des has certainly made things difficult at home, and I can see how much my mom in particular is torn up by "my un-natural relationship."

I've always believed that as long as I'm not harming myself, or others around me, then what I'm doing must be OK. But now I'm starting to doubt this. Although I have plenty of supportive friends, I seem to be making my family really unhappy and hurting them by staying in this relationship.

I'll never forget when my uncle said to me "Satan comes to destroy the family," implying that I was living by satans rules, and this was causing great stress on the family.

Should I be blaming myself for all the hurt/sense of loss they are feeling? At what point does one ignore one's own feelings/heart to protect the feelings of the ones you love? Any thoughts?

Carms, it seems that what is right for one is not necessarily right for others. I'm not sure I know the answers to your questions.

I can say that in the last two years, my mom has come a long way to accept my girlfriend. She started out with "I don't agree but I don't meddle in my adult children's lives", to "I want you to be happy".

Keep praying and keep reminding them that you are a Christian. I'm a stronger Christian with the support of my girlfriend than I have ever been before. I think that is why my Mom has come so far.

I'll be praying.

Thanks New Song!
I'm also hoping that with time things will become clearer, and my mom will be more accepting. I received a letter from my grandmother last week, basically saying that my life is becoming a "dreadfull waste!" I guess one needs to keep a sense of humour about these things, otherwise it all becomes a bit much!! I appreciate your prayers!

I can only speak from experience, but my parents are not really accepting of my relationship even though it's been three years now. They are Christians - towards the 'charismatic' end of the scale, and there seems to be an unspoken 'agreement to disagree' going on. They NEVER ask how my partner is on the phone or when I visit, even though they ask plenty of questions about my brothers girlfriend (and that relationship is only 16 months old...). They have only met my partner once, met my brother's twice already and she's stayed at our house for a weekend.... Does it annoy me? Yeah it does, but I totally understand my parents point of view and don't want to force them into anything or shove my way of life down their throat. What I DO do though, is talk about 'we' in conversation when telling my parents about things I've been doing/where I'm going on holiday etc - not to force it on them, but to keep gently reminding them that I'm in a relationship.
They will probably never invite me AND my partner down to stay for a weekend, and if they visit me, its usually when my partner is away. We also tend to meet up with extended family at Christmas, and none of them know - I think my parents want to keep it quiet in case it reflects badly on them. But I reckon most of them have worked it out already... 30 years old, never had a boyfriend, always very vague when i get questions around that subject.... it's not exactly rocket science!

I don't really fell bad/guilty about the effect I may have had on my parents - I think maybe because I can completely see their point of view and don't want to rock the boat too much. I guess I'm also a little selfish in that I figure my parents have each other, and that if I lived to please them I would have no one (or be unhappily hetero-married). Maybe that's the wrong way to look at things, but I kinda think I have to live my own life, and then not rock the boat too much when we get together.
To my parents credit, we only ever had one discussion on the whole bible-straight-gay-debate, and since then its been unspoken. Maybe that's a bad thing but it works at the moment.
I don't get overt comments like you seem to, Carms, so maybe it's easier for me.... I don't know. I'm waffling now so I'll stop.
Hope this helped a bit.

Thanks Wanderer! Sorry I've been away for a while. I guess it must be especially hard if your folks are more "towards the charismatic end of the scale" coz they may be more steadfast in their beliefs/ways? My folks have only recently started going to church regularly, and I think that society's views on homosexuality, rather than the church's views, has had more of an influence on their attitude/feelings. It sure helps to read your post tho, coz it makes me realise that I'm not alone! My girlfriend and I are going back to South Africa (home) for a weeks' visit soon, and my folks have made a real effort to see me. They've said they would like to do stuff with Des and I which I'm really happy about! I feel like they are trying to make an effort, despite it being really hard for them. I'm hoping that with time things will get better...not expexting perfect, but I've still got hope inside! Thanks for your post!

Hey Carms
Good to hear from you! Sounds like you have made a bit of progress - or your parents have anyway! What works for me in regards to my parents is that the could have been SO much worse and made my life miserable, so then any little thing is seen as progress.
At least your parents are happy to meet with you and Des when go back to RSA - let us know how you get on!

Cool! Will definitely let u know how it goes!! Have a good week..only 2 days left till the weekend...YAY!!

Tell me about it! and the weather supposed to be getting better too!! Hee hee!

Back in London after a great week at home! Lovely to see a uni friend get married, and all went very well at my girlfriends (Des) family's house. As for my folks...I stayed with them while they were visiting in Joburg, and they did try to make an effort when the 4 of us were together. No talk about our relationship or personal issues, but there was laughter and good general conversation I know my mom still has serious hangups, but my dad seems to be making more of an effort to include Des. I guess it's an OK start, after all, we only spent about 5hours together! I also had to tell them that I would be spending my 1st Christmas away from home this year, which will be very difficult/sad for them. (and me too I guess!)

So it seemed to go OK up in Joburg, but I know things will get a bit more tricky/awkward when its time for Des and I to go down to the Eastern Cape to my folk's place.
Not sure yet if I'm being unrealistic to hope that eventually Des and I will be "welcome" there together...I guess time will tell!!!

Oh...the weather was great the 1st few days (yes...got a bit of a tan!) but winter is definitely on the way!

Aaaah, what a GREAT start! Blessings from God and your Parents! My girlfriend just left this morning after spending 12 days with me. When I first came out to my mother she was devastated and we didn't talk about it for more than a year. Now...2 1/2 years later...my girlfriend spent 12 days with me and I currently live with my parents. Time is an amazing thing!

Let us know how things progress!

Hey Carms

Things sound like they went well - or at least better than you thought they might. By the sounds of things there are issues they could have brought up and made difficult, and didn't, even though - like you say - your mum still has hang ups.
Lets hope the next time you see them they've moved on a little more and it gets a bit easier.