A little history first: I grew up in the church (live in the Midwest) and as far back as early childhood knew I was attracted to girls... but because of the Church's voice in my head that homosexuals would go to hell... I hated going to church and I hated myself. I tried to suppress my feelings but I never succeeded.

I came out to myself a few years ago but it sent me into a deep depression. I didn't want to lose God, but my heart longed to be loved by a woman. So I struggled silently until recently. After my first relationship with a woman (my best friend) ended, I couldn't remain silent anymore. So very slowly I told people of my "struggle". Some of my friends have been supportive but say that this is something that needs to be "healed" in me... One of my friends was very harsh to me... Even to the point to say that God is punishing me for being gay... and only one has been completely supportive of me. All of them are Christians.

Most of my support have come from books, (like "The Children are Free" by Miner and Connoley) and one Christian Lesbian... but there is so much hate from the rest...

So why the post? I need to be heard. The silence and isolation are killing me. I need someone out there that believes in God and is not ready to toss a bunch of gay-hating bible passages on me... I need someone to know that I love God dearly... without Him I'm nothing... but right now I'm paralyzed from fear. I'm afraid to seek out a relationship with a woman or a man for fear that down the road God will tell me something different. I don't want to put my future partner through that pain. But even more, I'm afraid to approach God or to enter a church. What if He tells me that who I am is wrong? I don't think I could handle that. I ache for God to talk to me, but I'm afraid of his words. Too often has his church told me He hates me - it's almost ingrained in me. Yet somehow, I still hold on to hope in Him.

With the friend that was very harsh to me - that was the first time I really stood up for myself. But it didn't change how I felt... for as long as I can remember I have felt like a beaten dog that doesn't even fight anymore. Even when I did stand up for myself, somehow I sank into a deep depression.

So what am I looking for? Encouragement, prayer, to be heard, whatever God places on your heart.

This place has been a safe haven for me - so thank you.

Oh dear one,
I feel for you. I know where you're at, the isolation, the misunderstanding, the accusations. The resulting fear, loneliness, wanting to be understood. The church has a very loud,opinionated voice when it comes to our being gay. Don't think for a minute, though, that it is necessarily the voice of God. Would He be loud and hateful? God is love. He is a nurturer. He carries you close to His heart and is the gentle shepherd. HIs love for you is immense and His heart longs for you. You need not fear Him. What you fear is a false image from years of wrong, though well-intentioned, teaching from church tradition.
I too grew up in a very conservative arena. I spent years thinking my same-sex attractions were wrong. I've been through years of praying, being prayed for, ex-gay ministry, being told I needed to change. I tried suppressing it, got married hoping that would fix it. 17 years of marriage later, I've finally figured out -if God wanted me fixed, why am I not? I sure tried.
Last year I decided to start studying what the Bible really says about homosexuality. I learned a lot, and it opened my eyes.
Settle in your heart this gay thing with God. Do some studying on the "clobber" passages. There is a lot on the internet to help.
And it's ok to pray about this. Go to God. Tell Him your fears. He will meet you where you are at. Hang on to that hope you've been carrying. It's there for a reason. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. He made you. He knows you. He loves you, through and through. His love for you will never change.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: nancy m,

You may want to check out some of the articles on www.gaychurch.org. Elaine has taken a lot of time to post some really helpful articles. It is so cool to see the support we have on this board. You are not alone. Most of us have struggled through the same things you are. Keep sharing and we will try to encourage and help you out!

Thank you so much for your responses!! I'm in awe. I will check out those articles. Thank you again!

YOu're very welcome. Keep in touch. Let us know how your journey is progressing.

Thirst2God, I want you to know in your heart of hearts that there are many of us that have experience similar things, and that God loves you with an ever lasting love. Seek and you WILL find, knock and the door WILL be open, that's a promise. We are here for you and I will keep you in my prayers.

Groucho, how you doing? We are good here. Lisa is doing great. Healed up much quicker then I expected and back to work full time. We have severe weather headed our way so I guess I better get off here and close down the computer.

Welcome! You'll find a lot of support here and I pray that you'll find the true answers from God that you seek.

Welcome, Thirst! So many of us have been through what you are going through- Elaine's book, "Calling the Rainbow Nation Home" is really awesome and compelling, along with many of her articles here.
For now, don't worry about getting into a relationship with ANYONE. I, and many others can tell you that getting into a relationship with a man hoping to be "healed" is not an answer. It is not fair to them. Right now, what you need the most is the Lord. Focus on Him and your relationship with Him. Get over the fears because those are just keeping you away from what you need the most- Him. Think of it this way- God already knows EVERYTHING, so you can talk to Him. He does not spread secrets. Your attraction to God is not all about you- it is Him drawing you to Himself. It is HIS power, so fear not to draw near.

Thirst, welcome! You have come to the right place! So many of us have been through the same thing, and we can certainly relate to what you are going through. I'm not sure where in the midwest you live, but you may be near some churches that will be supportive. Jeff Miner (The Children Are Free) is pastor of Jesus MCC in Indianapolis. If that is anywhere near you, please check it out. Jeff is a wonderful, spirit-filled man (I was in the same church with him before he got his pastorate). And there are other churches just as good. Look on the Church Directory section of this site. GOD LOVES YOU JUST AS YOU ARE!!
Ingrid

Welcome Thirst, glad to have you with us!

Thanks so much for your responses!! You're all wonderful!

Your safe haven is here, but it also delights your Father in heaven that you have consistantly stayed in his comfort and care. I longed for a relationship, a spiritfilled relationship and one with the same sex, I too grew up in the church. I did pull away from God for many years, but with God all things are possible, Mathew 19:26. Continue to seek him, stay in him, and continue to stay here also and be encouraged by others who seek answers from their father. Sometimes he sends us the answers to our questions, we just have to be aware of them. The way I find that I know the answers are in God, when they always seem to be right, or when you get that funning feeling someone is right with you, but no one is around, then I know it is him. I prayed to the Father, and said "Lord I give you my all, what ever purpose or plan you have for my life, I know that I need to change things in my life for you to come in an completely fill my heart" When I changed the things in my life I knew where complete out of place and not inline with my father in heaven he totally came in and completed my life for him. I met a man, who not only was in God, but someone I share the gospel with, pray with and talk about the lords blessings with. I know God has a part in our lives, we both are living for God and god continues to live in our heart, mind and soul and we continue to see him, hear him and feel his warming love.